I used to never look at or even admit my discontent and frustration, all my energies were directed to other things but frustration did not go away of course, it was there and I was just pretending it was not. Then I understood that I needed to look at my discontent and face frustration and for that I need spend some time alone. For it is frightening to enter such solitary times. It is as if I must step through a minefield before I can be safe again, so it's no wonder I was trying to avoid making this journey and was keeping busy. Now I have walked through my fear for a week and suddenly I re-discovered my creativity, new ideas are slowly forming inside me to tell me what I need to get back on my two feet. I am still scared so I try to remember and live by what I always say to others when they are sad.... "there is always a reason to smile..." but I may need a few more tears, hope you don't mind.
Suddenly I discovered my life again. Free time, deep relaxing sleep, friends that are surprising me with words and smiles I was too busy to notice before. Peace is when time is not a problem. Time does appear to slow down and I can hear things I was blocking , a full orchestra of feelings now playing in harmony rather then single instruments. It's not easy, I am taking one day at the time and I do find myself crying but also smiling at the memories I hold into my heart, people, names, words, faces, dramas, all is playing again in front of me. It's been quite a journey that started over five years ago when I started playing Lord Of The Rings Online. Now I can finally show myself and let my history add up. Experiences that did enrich me as a human being. Now I am at ease because it's ok to be *one* again, I don't need to hide behind Amorey the little cute hobbit, I AM Amorey! . Crying is a great healer so a few more tears will be necessary before can feel better however I am slowly getting there. Old walls have crumbled and new *walls of light* will need to be built.
Quite an odd week really - I kept myself busy, working on some of my little paintings , trying to relax between phone calls and meetings . The first chunk on the money for the new home has been transferred, almost there, almost there. Other things have been on my mind, friends, people, words and feelings. Non having a lot of time for gaming but always finding time to be with friends. Reading a book and planning how I want to be my new home to look. Missing friends that are not there, keeping those that still are very close to my heart. Feeling sleepy, feeling quietly Amorey, good thing the weekend is almost here.