The road goes ever on and on...

In the early hours of January 8th, a few years ago, over the course of about an hour, I experienced what I can only describe as (and what I believe was) the greatest loss of my life. About three weeks early I had lost my baby on the night he was born. Too little and too fragile to survive I named him Angel Peregrin and held him in my arms for a few hours before he was taken away from me. Now I had lost my only brother. Paul took his own life on a cold January morning and I honestly thought after losing them both, that I was going to die too. 

This immense loss in my life did take me almost over the edge and for a few years I lived and struggled until one night something dawned on me while reading a little story by J.R.R. Tolkien called "Leaf by Niggle" . I found – much to my amazement – that I was suddenly happy.I smiled at peace, calm and without dark or negative thoughts for the first time . I moved from grief and misery to a state of absolute tranquility. All of the sharp, thorny, unpleasant thoughts that I’d allowed to hurt me over all those years suddenly became unimportant and I realized that they just didn’t matter any more. They were not who I was. They were only little stones on the path I had followed that led me to that very moment that night. 

The love and sense of completeness I’d been searching for all them years were right there inside my heart, and it had been all along. I must admit I thought that perhaps I’d lost the plot entirely at that point, I thought that I was having a ‘bit of a breakdown’ and that I would wake up in the morning feeling even more miserable than before but....no! I woke up feeling happy and with a smile. That cold night of a January a few years ago was simply a small beginning, and for that I will always be thankful to Professor Tolkien for I know his words, wisdom and stories did help me reach this point in my life. Now I am stretching into the light, painting my story and my beautiful tree and many leaves and perhaps you can join me. 

This is me, just Lei!

3 comments:

Daffney Tentoes said...

Wow. You've endured much but got through it. I know the pain of losing someone also. I and many others are no doubt happy that you didn't give up that January night, for there'd be no Amorey in LOTRO. You give so much to us, even though we're all just roleplayers of an online game.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'll be adding your blog to my follow list. :)

Leilani said...

*smiles* thank you kindly Daffney, and once more we need to thank Professor Tolkien because without him there would be no LOTRO , and that would be sad :)

Viyole said...

You wrote nicely, Lei... Thank you very much for sharing. After losing my granddad, I was similar, so I share your pain and happiness...
*The Professor*

-Anthemisi-